Limited Inhibition of Internal Contradiction

More often than not, I avoid free writing in places that the public can read. That isn't to say I have a following of people who read this stupid thing; it's just a paranoia thing.

I avoid writing this stuff down because I notice contradictions in my logic coming up. I then stop writing, proof read, and remove all possible statements that demonstrate my logical dilemmas, even though I wrote them. That is a bad habit. By doing so, I'm passively reinforcing those dilemmas, when I should be acknowledging, and addressing them.

I am so out of the loop. It's amazing how effortlessly it happened. In the span of two weeks, I went from regular socialization, to a per/month basis. How did this happen? I could count with one hand the people who contact me regularly (work/family excluded).

The best part of all of this is knowing that life goes on with or without you. Nobody knows I'm here.

7.9.2010

Student loan overdue, medical bill overdue, accounting error at work making approx 50 of my hours vanish in a puff of smoke. I'm starting to breathe a bit better though. Certain debts are getting cleared. I'm now all clear of my old moving costs. My tips at Koji's are getting better and my hours are decent thus far.

Speaking of breathing, i'm actually quitting smoking this time. I just gotta knock it off. I was healthy for a long time, running half-marathons, consistent weight training. Lately I haven't been running because a stupid ankle injury from mid April is still barking at me and it won't stop hurting. I can't switch gyms until my membership at Giant's in NE has been paid off. That means I owe them money for not using their product/service. I know I signed a form, but it doesn't make sense. I live on the other side of town now, I'm walking distance from 24 hour fitness, and I'm not about to pay for another membership on top of another one I don't use. Back to kicking the habit, I'm pretty much over the first hump I think. The 2-3 days of headaches, cold-sweats, insomnia is on the downward slope. What's left now is replacing the associations with smokes: coffee, going to work, getting off work, out and about with friends, etc.

You don't care,
Phil

Technical aspects and flowers

This blog is for me
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Self discipline is good. I seem to keep forgetting that figure drawing is a technical endeavor. I must approach it with the same method I would for a car, or a building - meaning, slow and with recognition of what is right and proper. Through discipline and diligent practice, I think I will improve.

I've been thinking of trying ikebana as well; before I start buying flowers, I will do sketches to get some designs I like.

-Phil

Art

This blog is for me
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I have started to get my groove of work going. It's a bit easier to keep yourself organized when your shifts become regular, and predictable. I have trouble dedicating myself to much when I have a schedule that changes week-to-week, or even day-to-day. My artwork and volume of creative output hit a serious low this summer. When creativity ceases, I assume I need training, which is what I've been spending most of my time doing. My computer is fixed, reformatted, and I just reinstalled all my Wacom® tablet software; all I need now is my copy of Adobe® Photoshop® back from a co-worker; after that I should be all set back to where I was in March. I look forward to seeing myself improve.

I opened up a Vogue™ magazine last night to practice some more life drawing without a model. I can tell I need practice at something, when the act of practice frustrates me. That's a good thing, no matter how irritating it may be. In time, I'll improve; afterward, I'll find something else that pisses me off when I'm alone.

-Phil